Human Behind the Mask
by pandorabox82
Summary: Bernie is back, but Serena doesn't know how to deal with the anger she's been bottling up inside regarding how she was left behind.


"Don't ever stop looking at me like that."

Bernie's eyes widened a little, and it was at that moment Serena knew that she had actually spoken those words aloud. Clapping one hand over her mouth, she got up from her desk and hurried out of the office before she could say anything that would further embarrass herself. There was a reason why they hadn't spoken more than three words to each other since Bernie had returned at the beginning of the week. But oh, the looks the blonde had given her, when she thought Serena wasn't looking, or as they worked together so fluidly in theatre, those had filled her heart with a longing that she hadn't wanted to acknowledge, not when she was still so bloody angry.

 _Is that really anger, or are you trying to protect your hurting heart?_ Her mind taunted her with the one truth that she couldn't bear to dwell upon for very long, lest she end up crying for the hundredth time since Bernie had broken her heart to smithereens.

The cold November air hit her skin like a knife, and she drew in a gasping breath to realize that she had managed to stalk up to the rooftop with no memory of how she had gotten there. Serena shook her head a little, trying to clear out the feelings that were tumbling around in there, threatening to destroy her fragile grip on control. "You stupid, stupid, woman. Did you really have to give her the ammunition to napalm your heart once more?"

Her words were blown away by the wind, and she shivered violently once more, trying to focus on drawing that ice into her heart, to try and find the inner core of stoicism that seemed to be Bernie Wolfe's constant companion. Serena moved closer to the edge of the roof, gazing down at the car park as she tried to make sense of why she had opened her mouth in the first place.

"I don't think I could ever stop looking at you, Serena."

Gasping, she whirled about to find Bernie right by her side, a pensive look on her face as she studied Serena. "You followed me?" she said sharply, allowing herself to glare at Bernie, to no longer bury that absolute fury in her heart.

"I did. I realized that we had some unfinished business to discuss." Serena let out a sharp bark of laughter as she shook her head. "And I know that I did this to you. I made you this hurt, angry, bitter, woman, and that is my deepest regret. Because, because…"

"Because what? You never seemed at a loss for words before? Why now? Why when it really matters are you fumbling for what you truly mean?" She closed the distance between them and poked a finger into Bernie's chest, staring into her eyes. "I love you, I wanted you by my side for the last two months. And you fucked off to Kiev because you couldn't handle that I did fall in love that quickly. Do you really think that you get to pick up those pieces of me so easily? Do you think it's going to be so easy to play the white knight and rescue me from my sorrow? Because I am far past playing the simpering damsel in distress here, Berenice Wolfe. I have become a steel sword in your absence, forged and sharpened into a weapon that is only good at cutting, and thrusting, and destroying."

Her voice had fallen to barely a whisper, even as the space between their faces had disappeared to mere millimeters. A soft hitch of breath told her that Bernie had understood every word she'd spoken, and even though Serena knew she had hurt Bernie, she found that she didn't care in that moment. She wanted Bernie to feel some small measure of what she had gone through in her absence. "And I am the dragon that you need to slay so that you can be happy."

Every angry word that Serena had been prepared to spit out at Bernie's reply, whatever it might be, slipped from her mind as those words soaked into her heart. Serena's shoulders slumped as she shook her head, unable to stand the wounded, haunted, look in Bernie's eyes any longer. The tears that had been brimming since the start of her tirade chose that moment to start slipping down her cheeks, and there was only a moment's hesitation before Bernie was hugging her tightly, one hand cradling her head close to Bernie's chest.

Serena listened to the unsteady thump of Bernie's heart, the rhythm of it cracking open the wall she had built around her feelings, and she sobbed openly, her arms closing around Bernie's waist as she nuzzled in even closer. "It's not fair," she said brokenly as Bernie spread her hand out on her back. "You can say something like that, and suddenly all the anger that I was holding onto vanishes like chaff on the wind. Why wouldn't you let me meet you halfway? Why couldn't we have had weekends in Paris, Budapest, Rome?"

Bernie shrugged a little as she started to stroke her back, comforting her sweetly. "If that had happened, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to miss you. I, I, found that I missed you so desperately, and that did scare me. Because I know what happened between Alex and myself was so quick, too, and I hurt so many people with the fallout of that. I couldn't bear if I hurt you, too. And yet, I think that I destroyed something infinitely more precious. Our friendship."

"Really? That's all I mean to you?"

Bernie's lips ghosted against the crown of Serena's head, and she shivered a little at the touch. "No, but I need a friend here, more than anything. I need someone to smile and tell me that I'm overthinking things again, I need someone to just look at me, and smile, and understand."

"You said smile twice."

"I did. Your smiles are like a desert oasis in the middle of a crazy day. The constancy of your kindness was a balm to me in my first months here. I held on for that constancy until I could come back." Tenderly, Bernie pushed her away from her chest before reaching up and cupping Serena's face in her hands. "I missed the way your eyes lit up when you thought of something particularly naughty, the way you smiled with your whole body, joy just radiating off you in waves. Since I've been back, I've not seen that from you, and that breaks my heart. Because I did that."

Serena pushed her cheek into the palm of Bernie's hand, needing firmer contact with the woman. "So, there is a human heart behind that mask you wear."

"Yes." Glancing up, she saw that silent tears had started to roll down Bernie's cheeks, and she drew in a deep breath before snaking one hand up and letting her thumb wipe away some of those tears before daring to close the last gap between them, claiming Bernie's lips in a soft, questioning, kiss. Everything felt right in that moment, in ways that it hadn't in all the months they were separated, and Serena let Bernie's lips linger on hers, enjoying the way she could read all the emotions that Bernie had kept locked up for so long. "Serena, we need to talk, really talk. And I know that you probably have Jason tonight, but…"

"This is important, so very important. If you can sit through a few hours of quiz shows, we can talk once he's gone to bed." Serena rested her forehead against Bernie's reveling in the feel of her warm breath fanning out on her skin. "My mask is gone now, please…"

"Hold my soul gently?"

"Yes," she whispered before kissing Bernie once more. "This time, we'll quit hiding behind our masks. We'll be truly honest with each other."

"Yes." Bernie held her tightly, a soft hum rumbling from her throat. "Now, we should get back before they notice our absence." Somehow, they managed to disentangle their limbs, and Serena instantly missed the warmth that Bernie offered. Hesitantly, she reached out her hand, and Bernie clasped it tightly, threading their fingers together as if to remove as much distance between them as possible.

The walk back to their office was quiet, but the silence was gentle, healing, tender. Raf gave them a pointed look when they emerged in AAU, and she wondered if Bernie would pull her hand back in that moment, if she would reject her again, like she had before. Instead, Bernie squeezed her hand, almost questioningly, and she nodded as she squeezed back. The smile of relief that crossed his features told Serena just how obvious they had been, but she didn't really care at the moment. Let Jac or Hanssen talk, as long as she had Bernie by her side, everything would be okay.

"Well, there are our two missing surgeons, and just in time. There's a trauma coming in that is going to need both your skills." Serena nodded as she finally let go of Bernie's hand, smoothing her blouse down as she fell into business mode. Bernie met her eye as they met up with the gurney, giving her a small smile. That was enough to settle her nerves, and Serena flashed a quick smile before focusing on their patient, quickly assessing what they would need to do once they were in theatre.

It didn't take long for Serena to change into scrubs, taking care to hang up her necklace before scrubbing in and joining Bernie and the rest of her team. Their natural rhythm fell into place quickly, and Serena found herself quite pleased with how the surgery progressed. In a few hours' time, Bernie was closing up, and then she was peeling off her gloves and tossing them into the trash.

"You did good work today, Serena."

A cheeky grin spread across her lips as she tilted her head to one side. "You weren't too shabby yourself, Bernie."

The blonde chuckled a little before clapping her hand on Serena's shoulder. "Now, I'd say that it is high time for something to eat."

"We could grab something at Pulses? Since I do plan on feeding you tonight."

"Sounds perfect." Their steps fell into sync, and while Serena wasn't so bold as to grab hold of Bernie's hand a second time, she knew that things were still gelling between them. Heading into the locker room, they quickly changed, and it took everything in Serena to keep from peeking. "It is okay to look, you know. Eventually, you're going to see everything, anyway."

Serena felt her cheeks bloom into a deep blush as she bit her lip to keep from smiling too widely. "I'd rather be treated to that most delicious sight when we're alone and I can savor it."

Bernie wriggled her body a little, and she knew in that instant that the desire had pooled deep in her stomach as it had Serena's. "You are not allowed to do that!"

She couldn't stop the giggle that escaped her lips as she buttoned the last button on her blouse. "Oh, my dear, if you only knew the depths to which you have yet to plumb, then you wouldn't tell me that. After all, that gives me so much power over you."

"Honey just drips off your words, Serena."

"Do you have a sweet tooth, my dear?"

The only answer she received was a low groan, and she breathed in deeply, trying to control her reaction to Bernie. The woman sidled up to her, running her hands up and down Serena's arms as she leaned in and whispered in her ear, "I have a sweet tooth a mile long, Serena. And I cannot wait to taste you."

Serena turned to face Bernie, taking in the desire that clouded her vision, knowing that it was reserved for her, and her alone. "Please, don't ever stop looking at me like that. Don't hide your feelings behind a mask."

"Yes," Bernie whispered before embracing her tightly. "I will never stop looking at you, never stop looking at me." Serena nodded against Bernie's chest, knowing that while there would be a serious talk to come, she also knew that they had turned a corner in their relationship, and that things would be stronger between them from here on out.


End file.
